


These Five Things

by IShipThem



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: But I also refuse to believe Loki snapped because of reasons and he's crazy and whatever, I got indulgent with my Loki feels and this came out, M/M, No it does not justify killing hundreds of people and destroying NY, mcu - Freeform, the five reasons as to why I think Loki snapped in THOR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-22
Updated: 2013-04-22
Packaged: 2017-12-09 05:58:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/770782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IShipThem/pseuds/IShipThem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The road to Loki's fall - the little cracks that made everything crumble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Five Things

**Author's Note:**

> Please do forgive the indulgent Loki feels, dear readers. Bear in mind this only covers the events in Thor, and not Avengers.

**1\. Frost Giants**

When Odin tells them of the Frost Giants, Thor, as it is his nature, vows to destroy them all. Loki says nothing because he doesn’t wish to displease his father, or to begin an argument with Thor (his brother is so annoying and irrational when he wants to get his way), but secretly he can’t help but think _can they really be that bad?_

Everyone tells a lot of stories about Frost Giants, but Loki is skeptical of them. They sound like tales to frighten little children into not messing with the Bifrost, and none of them holds against a deeper inspection. Inside his head – where Loki lives the biggest part of his life – the young boy has the insistent feeling that they are not all the horror they are made up to be. 

Why did they attack Earth to begin with? What could Midgard possibly offer them? Was it only because they were the weakest realm? But didn’t Laufey know they were under the protection of Asgard? What were they _thinking?_ Loki refuses to believe a race so old could exist if they were stupid enough to attack a realm for the heck of it.

Are Frost Giants _all_ bad? _All_ of them, _completely_ bad?

Was the casket really important to them? Really, _really_ important? How so? Why? How are they faring without it?

Loki knows he is not supposed to, but he can’t wrap his mind around having to live in a desolated, icey _nothing_ for _ever_. When an army goes to war, aren’t the soldiers only following their leaders? Do they really have a choice? Did the civilians amongst the Frost Giants support the war? Why? Are _there_ civilians amongst them? Was everyone at fault? Did they _deserve it?_

Loki knows he is not supposed to, but he pities them.

Loki knows he is not supposed to, but sometimes he wonders if his father did the right thing, the _fair_ thing.

He sneaks into Asgard’s library and tries to find out more about the Frost Giants, but to no avail. There’s nothing there that Loki hasn’t already heard from his father. There is nothing about their family structures, their habits, their biology, their beliefs or their art. There is nothing there, and Loki throws the books away in frustration before regretting it and picking them up again. 

Everyone keeps telling him they are monsters.

“Maybe they are not all bad”, ventures Loki, one day when he feels an outburst of courage, interrupting his brother’s speech.

“Are you _mad?”_ replies Thor.

At some point, Loki starts feeling so guilty for pitting them – _everyone_ thinks they’re monsters, so surely they _must be_ – he makes himself believe he never, ever, had those thoughts.  
Loki never brings the issue up again.

**2\. Not a Coward**

At some point or another, Loki overhears one of Thor’s friends calling him a crybaby.

He can’t remember the context anymore, nor exactly when it happened, but he knows he was really small at the time, maybe five years old or so. It was the first time Loki realized Thor’s friends didn’t really like him.

Loki is not a cry baby. He very, very rarely cries. When he does, he doesn’t make a fuss about it. He doesn’t feel the need to bother other people with tears.

He just doesn’t like to fight.

He doesn’t understand why everyone feels the need to act like they are in a cockfight, pushing each other out of the way, speaking louder and louder on top of each other, throwing names as if it’s funny or something. 

When Thor’s friends start doing that, he goes away – he has other stuff to do, games he likes to play alone when no one will bother him into doing things their way and he can do whatever he feels like doing. They only see Loki running away. 

And he _isn’t!_ Loki wants to scream at them. He _isn’t!_ So what if he doesn’t like to hear them calling him “Thor’s annoying little brother”? What if he prefers not to have to listen to their groans of “oh, not _him”?_ He doesn’t _care_. He’d rather simply go play alone, he likes being alone, instead of having to bicker with them. 

He is not running away.

He is not a coward.

He is not afraid of them!

_I'm not a coward!_

No one respects you if you don’t fight back. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to. People who let others chase them away are disgraceful. 

He can never fight back as Thor, so he starts twists his way around it, his defense in sharp, precise words and subtle, small aggressions. 

They laugh at his tricks, and this makes Loki _really_ furious. It bothers him now, it hurts him now, and so he fights back harder, but still no one respects him.

He gets tired of this pettiness, but if he gives up they’ll call him a coward again.

Loki pretends everything is okay. He never tells anyone that it hurts every time when Asgard doesn’t see him, doesn’t respect him, doesn’t understand. 

He stops telling his parents when he’s sad or angry. He stops telling anyone.

**3\. The Freak**

Everyone thinks he’s weird.

At first it’s only a bit annoying, that no one can accept he _likes_ playing alone. His father seems to think it’s good for him to play with Thor, but more often than not, it leaves Loki exhausted and painfully _bored_. He loves his brother, but he doesn’t want to spend every free second he has with him and _his_ friends. He wants to play by himself on the gardens, or stay inside with his books, that are so much more interesting than any make-believe Thor can come up with.

But that makes people look at him funny and whisper how weird this is, and assume the poor child is lonely or doesn’t like people.

So Loki does what is expected of him and hates every minute of it.

He is fascinated by magic, and he’s _good_ at it. The first time Loki conjures a magic fire he all but faints with joy, but no one else cares. Certainly, his parents praise him, but there’s an worried overtone, a shade of disappointment they think he can’t grasp. He can’t _understand_ why no one else sees the wonder that is magic and all its possibilities.

Loki knows how to fight, but his heart isn’t into it.

He never really believes that he’s worth noticing. He has a talent as bright as it has rarely been seen amongst the realms and a mind that goes deep as the ocean. He lives in his mind because it’s full of dreams and possibilities and wonders, and it’s his ability to dive deep into himself that allows him to solve the most complex problems.

Loki has a rare, beautiful genius, but no one else sees it that way, no one ever gives him reason to believe so, and so he does not ever believe it. He worms his ways amongst realms and never tells anyone because he does not believe they’ll care. No one in Asgard seems to appreciate silence. No one hears what he does not know how to say.

Thor is amazing. Thor is strong. Thor is charming. Thor overshadows him and doesn’t even notice it. Loki is just the one who does the little magic tricks.

He loves the cold. Snow has a beauty to it that never ceases to amaze Loki. He stands on the gardens when it snows and almost enjoys it when he starts to tremble. Everyone else finds it incredibly eerie.

Thor hugs people to crush bones, but Loki’s subtle signs of affection are completely missed by the few people he has tried to grow closer to. They think he’s dethatched. He cares much more than he should.  
Loki knows he’s a freak. 

So he pretends at being normal. He desperately needs to be normal.

He pretends so well no one realizes it’s pretense, and he hates every minute of it. But Loki doesn’t stop pretending. 

**4\. Thor**

Loki loves Thor. He also hates Thor.

Loki loves Thor for all that he is, and hates him for being all Loki wished he could be.

Thor is the only one who seems blind to Loki’s weirdness. He is crazy about his little brother, his faith in him blind, his affection obvious and openly shown without qualms.

Thor overshadows Loki so completely it is as if he doesn’t even exist.

He never means to mistreat his brother, but he does, and Loki hates him for it.

Thor is the only person in Asgard aside from their parents who doesn’t look at Loki as if there’s something wrong with him, and that’s why he needs him so very much.

Thor never respected his talents, and never really tried to see past Loki’s façade, and doesn’t understand him in the slightest.

Loki hates Thor more than anyone else.

Loki loves Thor more than anyone else.

**5\. Bottled Up**

When Thor’s coronation comes, Loki’s been pretending for so long he doesn’t remember who he is anymore.

Everything starts crumbling and, with it, the lid Loki’s been putting over his anger, frustration and hurt breaks into pieces. Years of repressed issues, fears and passions rush up to his head like blood. He has never wanted the throne. He only ever wanted to be normal, to be as cherished and respected as Thor is, but he’s been right all along. He is a freak.

He is a Frost Giant and a freak, and everything goes out of control.

And as much as he’s tried, Loki can’t be the son he thinks Odin wants.

He is a Frost Giant and a freak, and he lets go.


End file.
